Failure By Example

Childhood is a time for learning but also inevitably a time for extreme failure and mistake-making.

There are monumental efforts like taking first steps, building too-high Lego towers, riding a bike, learning to read, ice skate, or play a new sport. In our house, many of these have ended up with great frustration and lots of tears. It comes with the territory, though, right? Lately, I’ve been wondering: How can I help my children understand that these failures happen to everyone and are learning opportunities? 

As we age, we naturally gravitate towards activities, sports, and jobs that we are good at while avoiding those that frustrate us. When did you last step outside of your comfort zone and fail at something? Like, REALLY failed? More than that, when was the last time you talked about how it felt and how you overcame it?

Thinking about all of this, I realize that I need to be better about experiencing failure and pointing out my mistakes to my children – my two biological ones and those I work with each day at school.

So, I started swimming a few weeks ago, partly because it’s a challenge for me—”challenge” being the optimistic version of calling it “difficult.” I’m also trying to learn French—thank you, Rosetta Stone—and play paddle tennis. (I played college tennis, arguably making it MORE frustrating.)

Why? Because I haven’t sat in a formal classroom in over ten years, and I wouldn’t say I like doing things I’m not good at. It’s HARD to understand what it’s like to learn something new. It’s really valuable to envision experiencing that consistently. That frustration, the need for perseverance, and making mistakes are important for perspective and empathy.

My just-turned-4-year-old is also competitive. (Understatement). When I run (pushing him and his brother in the stroller), he asks me things like, “Mommy, are you really trying?” which is, admittedly, hysterical. Rather than laugh (my initial response), I should respond without placing blame and take pride in my effort, but point out that we can’t always come in first place.

I need to do it every day. I need to say simple things like, “Mommy forgot to put your sneakers into your backpack today. I’m sorry.” or “Oh no! I made a mistake and forgot to get bananas at the store even though it was on my list.” Just today, I guessed the wrong elevator would come while we were at the mall. “Oh well! Mommy was wrong. No big deal.” This comment elicited a smile and a look of understanding from my oldest. Win.

By being open about these “oops” moments (as small as they may seem), I hope to show my children that it’s okay to make mistakes, take risks, and fail as long as lessons are learned.

How do you experience and talk about failure with your children?