I didn’t have an instant bond with my daughter when she was born. That took a few weeks. It was pretty much a blur of emotional confusion for me. I do know I really didn’t feel like more than a caretaker for the tiny baby entrusted to my husband and me by the hospital.
I remember holding my daughter’s tiny body, listening to her wild screeching, and wondering what I had gotten myself into. The first time someone referred to me as “Mommy,” I almost didn’t respond. To be clear, I wasn’t depressed – just jaded at what I thought having a baby would be like.
I certainly did not feel like a parent. I remember family members telling me that it looked like being a mom really agreed with me, and then I thought I must be a good actress.
Two and a half years later, I’ve started to wonder when that parenting behavior kicked in because I certainly feel like a parent now. Last week, I held her hand as she walked by my side through Target (she had decided she was too big to ride in the cart). I then had to chastise her as she threw a tantrum in one of the aisles and found myself calmly explaining to her that big girls don’t scream in the store.
I gave her options. If she kept making a fuss and not listening to Mommy, she would lose the chance to watch her favorite show. Then, it would be the loss of her second favorite show. The more angry she became, the calmer I seemed to be.
I know that doesn’t seem like a big thing to many, but for me, it is. I’m usually one of those people who gets angry quickly – zero to 100 in the blink of an eye. If you had told me a few years ago that I would calmly explain things to a screaming child one day, I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have laughed at you.
So when did I change?
I’ve spent the past couple of days really trying to pinpoint this specific moment of parental clarity, but I can’t. Did it happen over time? Did my instincts just appear one day? All I know is that when I look in the mirror now, I’m confident I’m a parent. I may not always be confident in my mothering skills, but I know I am one.
