I’m Cindy, a full-time boy mom. But I’m so much more than that.
I was fresh out of college and entering the corporate world when a colleague in her thirties welcomed her first baby. I watched how she came to work daily, having just dropped off her three-month-old at daycare, and complained about not picking him up until 7 p.m. most nights.
I decided then and there, without judgment for her choices, that wherever my career led when I became a mom, I would stay home with my babies.
Luckily I had a good run before I settled down and had children. I worked in corporate fashion for eight years, moved several times, dated, traveled, went to broadcasting school at night, took acting classes, belly-dancing classes, and anything that balanced out the mundane of nine-to-five corporate life.
When I turned 30, I quit my job, signed with an agent, and began auditioning and acting in NYC. I felt free for the first time since college and passionately pursued my dream.
I met my husband about three years into my acting career, and after a whirlwind romance, we found ourselves engaged, planning a wedding, and welcoming a surprise pregnancy.
Being a mom was also one of my biggest dreams, so I enthusiastically celebrated my dream come true, even if it meant moving our wedding date and quickly leaving city life behind to move to the suburbs. I had no idea how hard it would be.
My husband commuted in and out of the city daily and worked long hours. I often found myself alone with my newborn son, filling our days with grocery shopping, mommy and me classes, and the occasional lunch with my mom or a friend.
I threw myself into motherhood, cooking and cleaning, and watched more and more of the “me before motherhood” disappear.
Before I realized this, I was pregnant with my second son and preparing for another move once my husband accepted a new position in Greenwich. We happily welcomed the move, a new home, and a new town. However, the hours and commute were still long for my husband, and I now found myself home alone with two little boys.
I love being a mom. I love my boys fiercely and always felt grateful that I had the opportunity to spend every moment with them.
I never forgot how lucky I was, but I still could not ignore the gnawing voice asking where I had gone. Where was the “me before motherhood?” I needed an outlet to get my brain working, interactions with other adults, and something besides being a mother.
I enrolled in a year-long nutrition class at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. I filled naptime, evenings, and occasional weekend days with online learning. Once I graduated, I then signed up for a meditation teaching intensive, filling two nights a week with meditation training. I realize now that I was desperately trying to recover a missing piece of myself. Much like I had balanced the mundane of a corporate job, I was now trying to balance the overwhelm of being a full-time mom.
Luckily, my coping mechanisms were beneficial to everyone in my family. I realize now how both experiences have made me a better mom. I was always interested in nutrition, but diving even deeper into how I can best take care of myself and my little ones have made for healthy bodies and ignited more passion for healthy meal planning and cooking for myself and my family. Meditation training has saved me immensely with two very active little boys and all the chaos it brings.
Most importantly, I have learned that when I am my best self, everyone in my family benefits.
When I feel fulfilled, I have more to give. I also have tools I can pass on to my boys. As part of our bedtime routine, my boys have a meditation practice every night.
I know full well how lucky I am to have had the choice to stay home with my boys. I also now know that it has been the most challenging job I have ever had. I cannot speak to being a working mom, but I know through friends and family members that the struggle is real for all of us. There is no magical way to be a mom and not lose part of yourself. It is all really hard.
Thankfully, it is also really beautiful and an opportunity to lose part of yourself only to find another.
This is the first year that both of my boys are in elementary school. I don’t know what my next chapter will be, but I am excited to begin my journey as an FCM contributor and share my experiences as a mom and a human outside of motherhood.
