Confessions :: Addiction


addictionMy husband and I had a few days off together this past week. As I sat drinking my coffee with him, I told him that I drank too much and that I was scared and needed his help.

No one tells you how scary this can be.

Without too much detail, I have a history of addiction to all sorts of fun things: Chocolate, coffee, sugar, shopping, shoes, cigarettes, wine, food, cheese, sleeping, etc.

I am most scared about my addiction to alcohol. I can go from sober to drunk in less than 5 minutes. I have never purchased a bottle of wine that I have not seen the bottom of. I do not need a wine rack because if I fill it up, I drink all the contents that night. No, I’m not joking.

I usually spend nights after a bottle of wine thinking about what I did, what I said, who I offended. Most times, it’s about 3-4 a.m., and I lay in my bed crying and frantically trying to piece together my night. Or how I got to bed. Or if my husband is mad at me. Or if he even loves me anymore.

I can say that my drinking may have caused me to lose friends. It might have helped me lose my last job and get me a really bad rating on the one before it. It may help end this marriage.

And just before that first drink, I just don’t care what kind of damage it will cause. I just want it so bad that I cannot think of anything else.

No one tells you what rock bottom feels like when you don’t think you have a problem. I haven’t lost my house, my car or my kids yet. I know a bender is about to happen. A moms’ night out is an excuse to get drunk. A friend in need is an excuse for a bottle of wine. A co-worker’s departure is a wasted teary, “I always loved you” adventure. My close friends know that when they invite me over, I will need a place to pass out, and will be out for a couple hours. My husband, my loving, gracious, amazing husband, says nothing.

He said he really didn’t know. (How could he not – I am so unlovable).

To me, it looks painfully obvious. I don’t do anything around the house. I drink anywhere I can. I invite friends and family for dinners here and provide the beverages. I have horrible hangovers and have a very short fuse. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE KIDS TO GET TO BED to have that first drink. That calming, warm fingers sliding down the back of my neck, warming me up like a fuzzy blanket from the inside out. Making me feel prettier. More confident. Powerful. Argumentative. Righteous. And then the bottle is empty.

There is always: this is the last glass. I will not finish it tonight. I need to have self-control. And there is always: I’m sorry honey. I didn’t know I was so tired and passed out. I love you. Did I finish that?

It was the same with cigarettes. And clothes. And shoes. And food. It doesn’t matter what I use as a plug to fill the hole of “not enough.” It’s all the same.

It’s a journey. I have no answers. I’m currently not drinking. During the day. Or at home at night. And I volunteer to drive when I do go out. Because then I have to keep it in check.

But holy Mary Mother of God, this is so hard.

I write this because I know others can relate. I want this life I created. I am looking to get the tools that will help build the foundation stronger for my marriage and family instead of tearing it down. So today, I am writing this sober and putting my addiction in check. I don’t want to be the “sober” person. I want to be someone who can handle it. But for today, sober.

How many of you can relate? I’m not looking for a show of hands, but the quiet nod of reflection that this may be… true for you too…


  1. Thank you for sharing. I think so many people hide addictions. We hide when a family member suffers because we are embarrassed. We hide when we suffer because we are afraid to be judged. By writing this you are sharing your “normal”. I do believe that this “normal” is more common than we know. How can we help each other and our families if everyone is hiding in fear?

    Thank you.

  2. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate your bravery and send you lots of love and light. So many struggle with not feeling good enough and addiction. May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace as you move forward to recovery.

  3. Good for you for recognizing the problem and taking steps to change. If you aren’t seeking therapy either on your own or in a group setting I encourage you to look into it. Having a strong support system will help immensely. Best of luck and sending you lots of strength! You can do this! Xo


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here