My husband and I had a few days off together this past week. As I sat drinking my coffee with him, I told him I drank too much. I was scared and needed his help.
No one tells you how scary this can be.
Without too much detail, I have a history of addiction to all sorts of fun things: Chocolate, coffee, sugar, shopping, shoes, cigarettes, wine, food, cheese, sleeping, etc.
I am most scared about my addiction to alcohol. I can go from sober to drunk in less than five minutes. I have never purchased a bottle of wine that I have not seen the bottom of. I do not need a wine rack because I drink all the contents that night if I fill it up. No, I’m not joking.
I usually spend nights after a bottle of wine thinking about what I did, what I said, and who I offended. Most times, it’s about 3-4 a.m., and I lay in my bed crying and frantically trying to piece together my night. I wonder how I got to bed, if my husband is mad at me, or if he even loves me anymore.
I can say that my drinking may have caused me to lose friends. It might have helped me lose my last job and get me a really bad rating on the one before it. It may help end this marriage.
And just before that first drink, I just don’t care what kind of damage it will cause. I just want it so bad that I cannot think of anything else.
No one tells you what rock bottom feels like when you don’t think you have a problem. I haven’t lost my house, my car, or my kids yet. I know a bender is about to happen. A moms’ night out is an excuse to get drunk. A friend in need is an excuse for a bottle of wine. A co-worker’s departure is a wasted, teary, “I always loved you” adventure.
My close friends know that when they invite me over, I will need a place to pass out and will be out for a couple of hours. My husband, my loving, gracious, amazing husband, says nothing.
He said he really didn’t know. (How could he not – I am so unlovable).
To me, it looks painfully obvious. I don’t do anything around the house. I drink anywhere I can. I invite friends and family for dinners here and provide the beverages. I have horrible hangovers and have a very short fuse.
I can’t wait for the kids to go to bed so I can have that first drink. Those calming, warm fingers slide down the back of my neck, warming me up like a fuzzy blanket from the inside out. They make me feel prettier, more confident, powerful, argumentative, and righteous. And then the bottle is empty.
There is always: this is the last glass. I will not finish it tonight. I need to have self-control. And there is always: I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know I was so tired and passed out. I love you. Did I finish that?
It was the same with cigarettes. And clothes. And shoes. And food. It doesn’t matter what I use as a plug to fill the hole of “not enough.” Addiction is all the same.
It’s a journey. I have no answers. I’m currently not drinking. During the day. Or at home at night. And I volunteer to drive when I do go out. Because then I have to keep it in check.
But holy Mary Mother of God, this is so hard.
I write this because I know others can relate to it. I want this life I created. I am looking for the tools to strengthen the foundation of my marriage and family instead of tearing it down.
So today, I am writing this sober and putting my addiction in check. I don’t want to be the “sober” person. I want to be someone who can handle it. But for today, sober.
Thank you for sharing. I think so many people hide addictions. We hide when a family member suffers because we are embarrassed. We hide when we suffer because we are afraid to be judged. By writing this you are sharing your “normal”. I do believe that this “normal” is more common than we know. How can we help each other and our families if everyone is hiding in fear?
Thank you.
Thank you so much for this! You are so brave. I only wish I could help you — you’re in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing, I appreciate your bravery and send you lots of love and light. So many struggle with not feeling good enough and addiction. May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace as you move forward to recovery.
Good for you for recognizing the problem and taking steps to change. If you aren’t seeking therapy either on your own or in a group setting I encourage you to look into it. Having a strong support system will help immensely. Best of luck and sending you lots of strength! You can do this! Xo