I still remember the heart-wrenching moment years ago when my ex-wife and I told our children that we would be divorcing.
I could barely hold food down as we prepared for that conversation, knowing their emotional well-being was on the line. At a painful time, we wanted our kids to be secure in our unconditional love and support. To achieve that, despite our differences, we had to remain united in our approach to co-parenting during divorce.
Although dissolving a marriage is hard, research indicates that it has “few lasting effects on children’s mental health or performance in school,” according to the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. When parents agree to put their children first, rather than making them the victims of a situation or a tool for a parent’s revenge, the kids are likelier to thrive.
From my perspectives as a father, divorce lawyer, and youth lawyer, here are some tips for advancing that positive outcome.
1. Reassure your children as they adjust to a new life.
Some kids torture themselves with “if only” scenarios, thinking that if they had behaved differently, their parents would have stayed together. Help them understand that they are in no way responsible, and under the circumstances, a divorce is best for everyone in the family.
2. Enable your children to reorient themselves as seamlessly as possible.
Be clear about their new living arrangements and daily schedules—e.g., Monday and Tuesday with Dad and Wednesday and Thursday with Mom. If you share custody, consider buying similar clothes for each residence, including outdoor wear. Keep their meal plans fairly consistent from house to house.
3. Never weaponize your children against the other parent.
It’s horrendous to watch parents pass acrimonious messages through the kids, spread lies, withhold visiting time, or “forget” about child support. Also, do not share truthful information that a child is not equipped to handle. All these actions can cause lasting damage to the people you love most—upending their feelings of safety and security.
4. One way to “keep the temperature down” in front of the children is to have an extremely specific divorce agreement that replaces shouting with structure.
The visitation portion, for example, may need to be exceptionally granular—e.g., Dad will pull up to the curb, stay in the car, and unlock the door; Mom will put the child in the car seat; etc.
5. Despite the financial pressures inherent to any divorce, remember that meeting the settlement agreement or judgment does not automatically mean ex-spouses have passed the “parenting test.”
For example, don’t think your child support covers your child’s birthday present. You are still a parent! Kids’ memories of these omissions carry over into their adult lives.
Finally, remember that divorcing parents don’t have to hate each other even if they don’t like each other. Your children forever bond you together. United, emotionally intelligent co-parenting is the best gift you can give those kids, laying the foundation for abundant happiness for everyone ahead.
Alex Schwartz, Esq., the proud father of three adult children, is a youth and divorce lawyer based in Southport. With more than four decades of experience, he takes a highly personalized approach to each divorce agreement, drawing on decades of court experience to protect clients’ interests. As a youth lawyer, Alex has helped countless minors through difficult situations with compassion, patience, and resolve. Learn more about Alex at ahschwartz.com, email [email protected], or call 203.255.9829.
