People always tell you that “nothing is the same” once you have children, but it is impossible to grasp the depths of this until you have children. Sure, adjusting to less sleep is crazy. Tracking the eating and pooping schedule of a tiny person is insane. Realizing that you are actually in charge of another human being alters your entire mindset.
But then, your forever-changed postpartum body has been through some seriously wacky expansion and contraction. Well-meaning people always say, “Don’t worry, you’ll bounce back,” or “Just chasing children around takes the weight off!” And let’s not forget, “Breastfeeding burns all the calories!” Ummmm…thanks, but NONE of these were true for me.
After gaining 65 pounds with my first baby, I did not bounce back, and breastfeeding did nothing to burn my calories. I struggled intensely with adjusting to life with a baby, and losing weight was not on my list of things to do. Maintaining enough energy to keep one foot in front of the other was first and foremost. I continued to wear my baggy maternity clothes and bought bigger clothes to hide my postpartum-ness.
Yes, I work out. I have worked out through every single pregnancy. Yes, I eat relatively well. I do try, but my body is just not the same after kids. It almost feels foreign to me the way that things have changed. I have had three babies and am currently 21 months postpartum (yes, I still consider myself postpartum…I might always feel postpartum at the rate I am going). I am still a work in progress. Learning to accept myself is an ongoing struggle.
It’s not the size of the clothes I wear that matters.
I have roughly six separate wardrobes: pre-baby, first maternity, first postpartum, second postpartum, third maternity (because, yes, I got even bigger, and most of my first maternity collection was now too small!), and third postpartum. With so many postpartum body sizes in my closet, it’s no wonder that I have an internal body identity crisis!
Half of my clothes are ill-fitting, but then again, what runway am I working? I’ve decided that I look good if I can feel good about myself. If it means ordering three different sizes online because I don’t know which one I am and sending back what doesn’t work, that must be done. It sure beats going into a store and lugging too many things (and children) into the changing room under fluorescent lighting.
It’s not the numbers on the scale.
It’s the fact that everything feels different. The obvious parts are different: boobs and belly. But I swear my shoulders are broader – how can that happen after pregnancy? I’ll blame five years of carrying increasingly heavy children. My thighs cannot be tamed. Where did they come from? I’m pretty excited that legging season is back. That’s no joke. And my hands! What’s up with that?! After two years of being unable to wear my rings, I finally threw in the towel and had them re-sized bigger so I could look married in public again.
That one little step helped my self-esteem immensely! Some days, I feel better about myself than others, and working out or doing something physical leads to feeling better about myself, but seeing the numbers on the scale go nowhere can be depressing.
Hello, new physical limitations!
Through the luck of the draw, I ended up with horribly split abs, and I’ve been in rehab for over a year. It’s hard to stay positive through the process of healing. I’m impatient and don’t care much for the slow boat. But that’s what I am on, and I have three pairs of adorable eyes watching how I navigate my struggle.
I’m still in the picture.
I would love to delete hundreds of pictures of myself with my children because of how chubby I look, but I keep them because they capture a moment in time with my beautiful children. Yup, those pictures of my postpartum body go in the photo album. If anything, they show me how far I have come in my postpartum journey and encourage me to be proud of my accomplishments.
I have pushed out three babies. I have loved them and attended to their every need, often putting them before mine. They are the reason that I am “Mommy.” Nope, I won’t be kept out of the family album because I feel bad about my body.
Everyone has a different path to becoming a parent, but we all suffer the physical changes of parenthood. I’m tired of celebrities making it look so easy. They can “bounce back” because they are paid to do so. Their careers actually depend on it. Plus, they have personal trainers, nutrition experts, stylists, and makeup artists working together to create a fabulous product.
Me? I have my fellow moms to lean on for support, a double jogging stroller, some weights in the garage, and three beautiful children who think I am amazing. I think I’m pretty amazing, but I’m still a work in progress.
