Do as I say, not as I do is not very effective for teaching children how to behave. When our actions are incongruent with our words, the valuable lessons we all want our children to learn don’t get reinforced as quickly or efficiently.
Role modeling, at all stages of development, is a great tool for parents.
We create these little beings and begin placing them in a plethora of different social situations – many of which they have no existing schema to draw upon. While interacting with others may come naturally to a certain extent, when conflict arises, children benefit from having some idea of how to handle it. Role modeling conflict with different possible outcomes broadens children’s perspectives and enhances their own tools when the next conflict arises.
I’m a firm believer in “through play, all things happen.” Play is the work of young children, so teaching them how to share, take turns, and wait, among other skills, impacts all of their interactions.
Sometimes, as adults, it seems silly to act out something or engage in make-believe, but this is where the magic happens. When you are fully engaged with kids and playing in their world, they are soaking in what you are doing. How you handle whatever pops up organically in the play is how they will attempt to handle it in the future.
Build a structure and take pride in it, then have them knock it down, and say, “We worked so hard on that, it was great. Let’s do it again next time.” Or build it back up right then and there if you have the time. Take a picture of a masterful creation to remember your good work.
When your child is playing with a toy, interrupt them and ask, “Can I play with that?” What is their reaction to your question? Can you come up with a solution to share if your child doesn’t want to share? “Ok, how about we share? You play with it for three minutes, and then I can play with it for three minutes.” Set a timer and make sure you give back the toy when your time is up. Comment at the conclusion of your play. “We shared nicely,” or “I really wished I could have played with that truck longer.”
Be honest, keeping in mind that all feelings matter. Children at home might have more time to play with toys individually than they would in a daycare or preschool setting, where there is a community of children. Having multiple experiences with different outcomes best helps them.
As kids age, all of the social interactions they perceive become their own arsenal of behaviors.
Whether you are role modeling with your significant other, the cashier at the store, or the teachers at your child’s school, your kids are watching. It’s the nurture aspect of development through the assimilation of life experiences.
Peer interactions become pinnacle in the middle school years when social conflicts arise daily. How does your kid treat others? How does your child handle it when others don’t treat them well or break a boundary? Patterns of behavior become reinforcing in and of themselves, so the more you can role model and have pro-adaptive interactions with others, the better roadmap your child will have.
My oldest is a sophomore in college. At this point, I can only hope that, as his parents, we have role modeled enough for him to handle life as best as possible. So far, we can see he’s trying to find the balance with academics, friends, girlfriends, health, etc.
I know he will party as a college student. I hope that we have role modeled healthy, responsible drinking and socializing. We have shown him how healthy relationships work, how we handle conflict, manage finances, manage responsibility, how we succeed in some areas, and how we fail in others. The goal is to keep the pathway in sight, even if we stumble.
