While we all know that parenting can be challenging at any stage, parenting my college-age child has me checking myself more often. I’m learning to strike the balance as my parenting role shifts to more of a supporting role.
After all, my son attends college out of state for ten months of the year, and he relies more on himself for the day-to-day functioning than either my husband or me. Yet he’s still our kid, or more accurately, our manchild. Or our adult-ish firstborn.
So, we strike the balance.
He did fantastically his first year away at school and was excited to come home. He was going to get a job, take a summer class, design and build a fire pit for our house, and socialize with his friends. Everyone was hopeful and looking forward to this shift in dynamics.
Well, off to a turtle’s pace he went. Maybe I should say slept. And slept, and slept, and ate, and ate, and ate. The job search seemed theoretical because opportunities were too far away, too infrequent, or not flexible enough.
The excuses and sheer stagnation of it all were starting to make me nutty. I began to question my parenting. I knew we raised him to be independent and soar, yet the lump, seemingly bed-rotting, did not represent our family values.
Obstacles seemed to prevent him from registering for the proper course that would later transfer to his college. Any parent insight I shared was not right. Yet, he stayed in this pattern for a couple of weeks. He would often express his frustration verbally about the process and how disjointed it was.
I had to bite my tongue (as best I could). As his mom, I just had to strike the balance and change my approach. I had to step aside from myself and my issues with his desire to be a couch potato. I had to feel his frustration, his sense of being overwhelmed. I needed to know that he wanted to handle everything but was struggling. There were too many moving parts, and he was struggling to balance everything. We needed to strike the balance.
My directive statements and prompts turned into open-ended questions. How can I support you? What are you having a hard time with in this instance? I found myself reviewing all my parenting interventions and refocusing on my training. He had frustrated me because HE was frustrated. Psyche 101, but he’s 18 and it still applies.
After all, he handled his freshman year of school like a champ. He was nine hours away from everyone and everything he knew. He made the Dean’s list while his assigned roommate was put on academic probation. He managed his time, his money, and his education for ten months, and he did it fantastically.
Once I put myself in his shoes, I was able to understand his need to decompress from holding it together. Sleep in your own bed, in your own space. Eat the homemade food and fresh, clean options available at home. Replenish, son, you earned it and you need it—game changer.
How can I help you? His response was that registration for the summer class was not moving in any direction. He was getting the run-around from different departments and seemed stuck.
So we organized, made a new plan, and took a different approach. Within a few days, he was registered for the second summer session. He had put some feelers out and landed that summer job. His circadian rhythm was restored. The eating will always continue, and I will always make sure there are milk and eggs to feed my adult in training.
Once he was in his groove, I was able to relish the pride of having such a good kid. His first paycheck bought him a similar level of pride. He’s had a great summer. He’s been working hard and is looking forward to living in his first apartment, an experience that will challenge him in different ways.
I know he will handle it because he’s learning to strike the balance as well.
“Mom, when my girlfriend visits, can she stay in my room?” Well, that’s a hard no. Sometimes even the silliest of questions is a form of testing the limits, to see where the balance lies.
