Youth Sports: Keeping the Game About Them, Not You

I sat on the sidelines of my son’s basketball games this weekend, watching three games simultaneously with whistles blowing in every direction. There was the usual variety of parents. Parents screaming louder than the coaches (either at their own kids or the referees), parents pacing behind the bleachers, and parents simply sitting and watching the game. I could be describing any youth sporting competition taking place across Fairfield County.

My 6’1, 13-year-old loves the game of basketball. He loves learning about the game, watching others play, and debriefing me afterward. Sometimes he is verbose, and sometimes it’s a few words here and there before more of a waterfall of reflecting. It’s a joy to witness, just like any other interests that my sons have.

As youth sports get more expensive and competition increases at a much younger age, how do we sustain the joy of our kids improving their game over the constant pursuit of winning? Talk to your kid. But make it about them, not you.

Having been part of my son’s basketball experience since he was in third grade, I have had the privilege to be one of his coaches. I say privilege because being a part of my child’s development in a sport, especially in a mom-son relationship, allows our relationship to grow in an area that is usually unreachable. I get to see him put in the actual work leading up to the games he plays, the exponentially larger number of shots that lead to those fewer opportunities in games, and how he accepts feedback and applies it.

But I also have learned about the emotions that accompany his experience. Yes, you learn so much about a player when they are talking to you before and after a game, talking in real-time during the games, or in practice. This is when amazing conversations happen. I acknowledge that not all kids have this opportunity with a parent, and certainly not every mom. I guess this is what I have loved about being a part of his and his teammates’ lives these past six years. 

I often wonder if my views on how to nurture and help my son come from the opportunity to coach him. Perhaps, but I also believe that just by listening to our kids more and leaning into sharing, those are where growth occurs.

My husband and I are big believers in placing opportunities in front of our kids to see how they react. We sometimes need to nudge our children to take a leap of faith. But we have a solid rule. If it is a major time or financial investment and our child does not approach it with even nervous excitement, we do not commit. But how do you walk that line between encouragement and realizing when it is more about your wish for how you would like your child’s interests to align? 

We check in pretty often with our kids. Before enrollment, during, and after. What was your favorite part? How do you feel when you are amongst the team members? Have you learned anything new? Sometimes being a part of a team isn’t about being the highest scorer or the best defender. It’s not always the flashy part of the game. Working with your child to know how their specific contributions matter within a team is part of the learning process.

The photo accompanying this blog is of myself and my son after his team won their regional championship. Yes, this is the highlight peak. But this is after many wins and losses over six years with practices twice a week, five months per year. That is where the work was done. That is what I remind him of when we think of this moment.

Today I sat in the stands as a spectator and felt connected to my son as he played. I could not be more proud to be his mom and to have had the opportunity to be his coach (quietly from the sidelines).