Reflecting on the year thus far, it hasn’t been the greatest year. I am venturing to say that it has probably been the worst year of my life, with so many ups and downs. There were times when I wasn’t sure if I would make it through (and the year is only halfway over; please don’t remind me).
I have hung on tightly, knowing that my children need me, they depend on me, and it is my job to make their world the best that I can, even though MY world is crumbling around me. You see, I am going through a divorce.
It wasn’t something that happened suddenly but progressively over time. My ex and I finally agree that we’ve grown apart. Honestly, I am unsure if we were entirely on the same page. Looking back, we were both in very vulnerable times when we met, and the relationship just worked at the time. I am not saying that I never loved my soon-to-be ex-husband, but I believe I fell out of love with him many years before I even realized it.
I want to say that I was innocent in all of this, but deep down, I know we both contributed to the demise of our marriage.
There was no defining moment that made me realize that “this isn’t going to work.” Progressively, after three children, a large move, and many, many disagreements in between, the only conclusion was that our children would benefit more from us being apart than being together. This was not an easy decision to swallow (at least for me). For this reason, I probably held onto the marriage for much longer than I should have.
After filing, I went back and forth many times on if we were making the right decision. How would our kids’ lives change? How would my life change? How would his life change? Could we ultimately make this work? I feel like I went through a death. It was the death of a marriage, and I had to go through the stages of grief until I finally came to where I am now; acceptance. I went through everything in between, and I hung onto the anger for a long time.
Unfortunately, as with most divorces, although I have accepted it emotionally, we still have A LONG way to go before it is finalized. I will spare all the dirty details, but my ex and I are not in the most amicable place. Ultimately, it was not what I envisioned or wanted when we decided to divorce, but here we are.
On a daily basis, it is a struggle to put on a happy face for my children and those around me, but I know it is necessary. Above and beyond the fact that it allows my children the security of knowing that everything will be ok, it allows me to know, yes, I will be ok.
The support I have received from my friends has been amazing, and I am beyond grateful. But at the end of the day, when the kids are finally in bed, I dream about when this entire nightmare will end and my children and I can move on.
Our children do not know. I have not found the right and most unharmful way to tell them. It breaks my heart to think they will ultimately go through so many changes they did not ask for. I also need time to mentally prepare myself for the many questions my oldest will ask about why her mommy and daddy no longer live together. This crushes me.
I have concluded that I WILL BE ok. I will make it through this. And my life will move on.
My kids will also get through this, as I will be there to guide them through it. I have also realized that leaning on my friends and family has become crucial for me this year. Six months after filing, I have finally removed my wedding band set. For me, this was a huge step in moving on. It solidified my life as a newly single mom.
I know that I will have trials and tribulations in the future. I know there will be periods when things might not be ok again. But I finally feel strong enough to take these situations head-on with the mentality of, ” I will be ok.”