This will be my first Mother’s Day without my mom, and if I’m being honest, I’m dreading it.
Mother’s Day has never really been about me. It’s always been about her. Celebrating her, loving her, thanking her for everything she gave so selflessly—to me, to our family, to anyone lucky enough to be in her orbit. It was my day to make sure she felt deeply appreciated.
And now, she’s not here. And the part I’m still struggling to accept is that this isn’t temporary. She’s not coming back. There’s no call I missed, no visit I can plan, no “next year” to make up for this one. Just the quiet, heavy reality that she’s gone.
I don’t think anything prepares you for that kind of finality. The way it hits in waves—sometimes subtle, sometimes completely knocking the wind out of you. The way your mind still reaches for them, like they’re just a phone call away, until it remembers.
Part of me doesn’t even want to celebrate this year. It just feels wrong, like the day lost its meaning.
I want to visit her, sit quietly, bring flowers, and just be with her. But instead, I’ll be where I’ve been for the past eight years—on the sidelines of my kids’ lacrosse games. Cheering them on, because I truly do love watching them play a game I love.
And in a twist that feels almost comical, as team mom, I’ll also be organizing flowers for all the other moms. Making sure every player has something to give their mom after the game.
Life has a strange sense of humor sometimes.
I know I’m not alone in this. To the moms who are facing their first Mother’s Day without their own mom—this is a kind of grief that changes you. There’s no “right” way to feel, no script for how to move through it.
Maybe we celebrate. Maybe we don’t. Maybe we show up for our kids while quietly carrying something really heavy. Maybe we find small, imperfect ways to honor them in the middle of it all.
This year, I think I’ll do a little of both—hold space for the sadness, and still show up for the life she helped me build.
And maybe that’s the closest thing to honoring her I can find right now.
If you’re in this same place, I see you.
