I recently came under fire from my partner for asking him to “babysit the kids” so I could run a race in a neighboring town. I want to add that I started the conversation asking if he was available for a few hours that morning or if I should ask our usual babysitter. I have never once in the eight years of being a mom just expected him to watch his own kids.
I always figured out childcare and made the arrangements, so he was off the hook. Maybe it’s my almost 40-year-old attitude, but I’ve had enough of this stigma. I’m going to say it a little louder for those in the back: IT’S NOT BABYSITTING WHEN IT’S YOUR OWN KIDS.
Now I get it: the mom is usually the default parent. We carry the mental load, the schedules, the day-to-day. We keep the household running, and we don’t often receive the appreciation or credit that we deserve. We don’t have the luxury of just walking out of the house without thinking; in fact, we probably have multiple bags packed, checklists made, etc.
We are the ones telling the kids to put their shoes on for the seventeenth time while our partners waltz out and wait for us in the driveway, never even offering to lift a finger. (It’s fine; we are used to carrying an entire carload in one trip. We are super-moms!) But at some point, we have to realize that this isn’t right.
While I do usually bring my three kids everywhere I go, there are certain places they cannot always tag along. I need childcare so I can go to the doctor. I need childcare so I can go to the dentist. I need childcare for many things that my partner doesn’t even bat an eye at when he does it alone, without even mentioning it, all the time.
I haven’t gone on a single weekend adventure, girls’ trip, or anything of the sort since becoming a mom. The thought of doing such a thing hasn’t even crossed my mind. The more I think about it, the more it seems unfair. On the flip side, my partner’s hobby of riding super-sized ATVs and snowmobiles 8-9 hours away has taken him away at least 5-6 times a year between different seasons. I’ll let you decide for yourself if he has ever once asked me if he could go or asked me if I had anything going on before he packed up and left for a week. Spoiler alert: Not once.
I can’t help but type these words with rage and resentment. I do not mind solo parenting. I’m used to it. My kids are used to it. My kids are used to “Daddy’s riding trips” and “Daddy will be home in a few days.” They don’t blink an eye anymore. But they don’t see how unfair it is to me. Mommy dedicated years of her life to her kids, and she still will continue to, but Mommy has a life too.
I am finally deciding to stand up for myself. I have one hobby: running, and I base it completely on my and my kid’s schedules. I don’t drop anything to run; I drop my hobby for other things. What I am NOT doing anymore is asking for permission. If I want to run a local race that will take me away for a few hours, I’m going to do it, and I’m going to expect my partner to be a father to his kids.
Let me repeat that: he is expected to BE A PARENT.
Crazy thought, right? Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that he had a part in creating these kids. I may wear many hats as a mom – chef, chauffeur, therapist, coach, finder of things, boo-boo fixer, bus driver (literally) – but I will never consider myself a babysitter. They are my kids. They are his kids.
It’s time to put our foot down and take back some independence. So once more for those in the back: THEY ARE YOUR KIDS TOO. STEP IT UP.
