My husband travels frequently for both short and extended periods of time for work. His schedule is not consistent and can change on short notice. As a result, I am often on my own with my girls for a few days to a month at a time.
I always knew that we would never be like the families in which both parents work 9-to-5 jobs, but I also never fully thought through the challenges and rewards that would come with my husband’s schedule and parenting on my own.
Just like you can’t fully understand what it’s like to be a mom until you actually become a mom, you can’t understand what it’s like to be the only parent home for the weekend with two small children until you actually experience it. As with all things, you learn how to adapt when you are thrown into the fire.
When you’re on your own with little kids, you need to bring your parenting “A” game. I wanted to share some of the ways that have helped me survive (and even thrive) on my own with the girls and the silver lining to my husband’s travel schedule.
1. The first day/night that your spouse is away is always going to be hard.
The kids will be sad, you will be sad, and you all have to adjust to a new routine. Don’t be hard on yourself or on your kids. Acknowledge that emotions may be high on both sides. Give yourself a break from cooking on the first night and treat your kids to a special dinner out. If dinner is already planned, go out for an ice cream treat or head to the playground for some before-bed playtime.
2. Schedule play dates with friends or neighbors who have kids the same age to keep everyone busy.
Plan it for dinner time to get you through the hairy hours before bedtime! Your kids get to have fun, you get to have adult conversation, and nobody is thinking about how much they miss Daddy/Mommy. Planning them in advance of your spouse’s departure gives everyone something fun to look forward to when the time comes.
3. If it’s possible, send pictures back and forth throughout the day with your spouse.
I usually send my husband lots of pictures and videos of the girls when he’s away. Taking pictures gives me something fun to do and keeps him in the loop on what the girls are up to. Have your spouse send a few selfies or pictures of where they are back to your kids. My girls love to see pictures of Daddy; it always makes them smile!
Also, FaceTime with your spouse and your kids in the morning or at night! Your spouse could even bring a book with him and read it via FaceTime before bed. Another idea is for them to bring one of your kids’ stuffed animals to travel with and to take fun pictures with it.
4. Try to get out of the house at least once a day.
You don’t need to be scheduled for every minute your spouse is away, but it’s helpful to have one thing in mind you’ll do each day. It’s never fun when everyone is stuck in the house all day, especially when there isn’t another adult around to keep you sane. An activity could be as simple as walking aimlessly around Target on Saturday morning, or it could be going to your local library to get over the afternoon post-nap slump.
5. Take the opportunity to do activities that your spouse may not enjoy as much or that you don’t get a chance to do as much when you’re all together.
For example, if your spouse isn’t a fan of shopping or a trampoline park, pack the kids in the car and go for it! I have two girls, so my three-year-old and I will do spa nights at home and paint our nails. Another idea is to take some time to travel on your own. Make it into an adventure by taking a day trip or planning a short overnight trip with just you and your kids.
6. Cut yourself some slack when it gets to be too much.
Acknowledge that parenting on your own is exhausting, and don’t feel you need to keep your kids entertained 24/7 while your spouse is away. It’s okay if they watch a movie while you decompress and read a book.
7. Call in reinforcements and take time for yourself.
If your spouse is on an extended trip, call your parents or get a sitter, and take a few hours to go out with friends, go shopping by yourself, or get a pedicure. As I said, you need to be on your A-game when you’re parenting by yourself, so you need to be in top mental shape. If you can get away and give yourself a break, take it! Also, just because your spouse is away, doesn’t mean you have to do everything by yourself – ask for help if you need it!
8. The first day that your spouse comes back is also difficult, for the same reason that the first day they are away is challenging – it’s an adjustment.
Everyone is happy they are back home, but the dynamic shifts, and it can take some getting used to. I’m used to doing everything myself, in a particular way, and when he comes home, that changes. As with the first day of the trip, give everyone a break. If you accept that your spouse is likely to annoy you a little bit, the transition will be easier for everyone.
Try to relax and acknowledge that you can step down from your A game and let go a little. Plan something fun for all of you to do when your spouse gets home, like an at-home movie night, or suggest that your spouse takes the kids out somewhere.
The time that we do get to spend together as a family is worth the challenges. Because we are not a typical family that eats breakfast and dinner together every night and spends every weekend together, the silver lining is that we can truly cherish the time that we do get together. I like to think that we appreciate each other in a way that we may have taken for granted if our situation were different.
But do you want to know the true silver lining of when my husband is away? I get to have total control of the TV remote and can take up 100% of the bed.
