I get it, no one likes unsolicited advice, especially your teenage daughter. And that’s pretty unfortunate because sometimes I feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you’re trying to scream “Danger!” but your voice doesn’t work, so no one hears you, even though you have something really important to say!
Recently, some of my middle school daughters’ friends pulled me into a conversation, and I tried to play it cool while also trying to impart some wisdom, but it fell flat. Not because it wasn’t true, but because I wasn’t prepared to speak their language, and they definitely weren’t interested in hearing it. They just wanted a mom to tell a dramatic story to, and there I was. Also, let’s recognize that most of the time, teens don’t want your advice, which is wild since I’ve got 46 years of things to tell them, but you have to walk that fine line.
That being said, if I were able and allowed to speak my mind, unfiltered, to a captive audience, these are some things I want our teen girls to hear.
1. He’s not the only boy out there.
Yes, it feels like that right now. But he’s 14, and you’re 14, and I promise, this is not your soulmate. Boys at 14 know even less than you do right now, and they’re not looking for a wife, even though your wild hormones make you feel like you need to be coupled up RIGHT NOW! If you like someone, try to spend time with them. If they don’t want to, or want to spend time with someone else, it wasn’t meant to be. Lean on your friends, they’ll always want to be with you, which brings me to my next point.
2. Friends are so important, but it’s even more important to have the right friends.
In your teen years, you’re figuring out who you are, and you need to surround yourself with people who let you be weird, and funny, and quiet, and serious. Friends who don’t judge you when you change your hair, your clothes, your hobbies, when you’re just trying to figure out who you are. What won’t change is your heart and how you treat others.
And don’t force a friendship. I remember in middle school, I had a sleepover birthday party and invited all my friends and a few of the more “popular” girls. None of them came, and after all these years, I still remember that they all had the same excuse, which means they made it up. But the truth is, they weren’t my friends, and I’m not sure why I was chasing their approval. My true friends came, and we had a great time. Pour into the friendships that pour into you, and let you be yourself.
3. Think and breathe.
In any situation, taking a deep breath and not acting on impulse is the right answer (unless it’s a matter of personal safety; then you trust your instincts and RUN).
The number of times a teen’s behavior will swing wildly could give you whiplash, but the truth is, everyone’s hormones are swirling around just like yours, and you may feel some feelings really strongly, really quickly. Don’t act on that just yet. Let your inside voice calm you and guide you. If you take your breaths and remain calm and still feel that way, then it’s time to act.
