As Fairfield County Mom hater-in-residence, I have some opinions about Disney. My kids are now five and seven. My last Disney adventure was when I was around nine years old. I had not gone as a teen or adult because why would I? There’s Europe, Asia, and the American West to explore.
Even with my kids, I held off for a while. Crowds are my nightmare, and I get overstimulated easily. I’m sure a Tik-Tok therapist would have something to diagnose me with, but that’s another article for another time. It did not seem worth it.
Social media also made me wary of the Disney-obsessed adults—the cohort I really want to dive into to see where their childhood trauma was. I kid. I’m sure they’re fine and totally well-adjusted—most of them.
We just got back, and I can admit that I am itching to go back with or without my kids. I am even considering a Disney half marathon. Here are my best Disney tips from a hater.
1. We are not doing this on a budget.
What is the budget for a Disney trip? The limit does not exist. Every family’s financial situation is different, and while there are ways to save, splurge if you can!
Definitely stay in the park. Don’t try to stay at a random hotel in Kissimmee, as my mom tried on us once in the 90s, and we immediately re-booked at an on-park hotel the same day. From my limited experience, the Grand Floridian was the most non-Disney Disney hotel. It’s just nice! It’s on the monorail, and everything is right there. If you’ve gone this far, opt for club level. I needed a place to eat, snack, and get my daily (ok twice daily) POG juice mimosa.

2. Lightning Lane everything.
We booked through a great local travel agent, and in addition to making the accommodation and dining experience easy, we also opted to have help with our park date.
My family barely waited in line. We went on every ride we wanted to. The shame of walking by an hour of people waiting in standby wears off surprisingly fast when you see how much you can accomplish. Is it worth it to save time? One thousand percent. What we did in one day at each park would have taken several days and extreme patience with two kids in the Florida sun.
3. Food

Calories do not exist. You’re walking 7-8 miles a day (I measured), so the four churros are a drop in the bucket.
4. I still don’t get the Disney adult thing.
When we were at the character dinners, fun but chaos, there were a few couples by themselves. I thought to myself, you can eat at one of the fancier restaurants anywhere in the park for this money! Do you really need Maribel’s autograph that badly? I don’t get it. But I also maintain that adults can spend their time and money the way they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, so live and let live.
5. EPCOT.
The kids loved the rides and felt like they were world travelers, but we all know why EPCOT is the best park.

Pictured is the author in her true form. There is also a great picture of my husband with a mango-Rita in one hand and an elite in the other, pushing the double stroller with his stomach. He says to me, “I get it now.”