Most people who know me would consider me a social butterfly. I like to attend every event I’m invited to, lest I suffer from FOMO. I threw myself into mommy and baby events when I had my daughter. I started a local moms group on Meetup and recruited members by chatting with moms at the library, in the supermarket, and anywhere else I could find them.
I made it my business to be out and about for every event I could. My daughter, on the other hand, had plans of her own. Large crowds upset her, and she wasn’t receptive to many people. She was generally calmer when we were at home. Ummmm, WHAT? This couldn’t be right! I couldn’t possibly have given birth to an introverted girl! How could I be at home all alone with nobody to chat with?
I started to believe there was something wrong with my child. Did she have sensory issues? Was she on the spectrum? I did not understand how she could prefer the quiet of our home over the fun and excitement of being out and about.
So I pushed. I figured that she would have to get used to being social. I always believed that shy people were never pushed enough to come out of their shell. I was determined to break my introverted girl out of her shell. She was MY daughter, after all. How could she possibly be shy?
Needless to say, my plan backfired. The more I pushed her to be around large crowds, the more she resisted. She would scream, throw tantrums, and generally protest in any way she could. When I would get her home, she would be perfectly content. Many tears were shed lamenting the play dates and birthday parties I had to leave or miss altogether, but not by my daughter. She seemed so much happier when we did. I, however, was miserable. I thrived on social interaction!
After one particularly rough afternoon, it occurred to me that my husband was shy. Much like my daughter, he prefers more intimate gatherings to large crowds. He prefers people he’s known for years over meeting new people. He prefers staying at home to venturing out to a new dinner spot.
I realized that all the things I loved about my husband also came with that quiet and reserved package. He was calm when I was running around like a chicken without a head. He was the voice of reason when I had overcommitted yet again, and he was the welcome “let’s-play-it-by-ear” when I harassed him with my endless plans and agendas.
I realized that this was my issue, not my daughter’s. While I wanted her to socialize, I had to come to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t be comfortable charging into a room full of strangers, no matter how hard I tried. I had to figure out a way for her to develop her social skills in the most comfortable way possible.
1. Make new friends one at a time.
Developing friendships is difficult enough without adding a whole bunch of new faces at one time. Instead of heading to a new play date with a bunch of new faces, I try to attend ones that are much smaller and have fewer new faces. It’s always helpful if she already knows someone already.
2. Home-court advantage.
I love hosting play dates at my home. It’s much easier to get my daughter comfortable in a place where she already knows the ropes. Having new friends come over really helps ease the transition since the scenery hasn’t changed much.
3. Limit the number of people.
I now try to limit my play dates to once a week so my daughter can spend quality time at home or out and about with me. This is very low-stress for her and allows her to feel comfortable more often than she feels uncomfortable in any given week.
4. Plan low-stakes play dates.
A trip to the park is a play date, but it doesn’t stress my daughter out because she’s not in a confined place forced to interact with strangers. At the park, she can interact on her own terms, which makes it feel much more organic and less forced.
5. Keep trying.
Just because my daughter is uncomfortable with big crowds doesn’t mean that I always keep her home and in her comfort zone. We do have to occasionally attend larger social events, and she is required to go. When she does a good job playing with a new friend, I always make a big deal about it and say what a great job she did.
6. Repeat familiar names.
I like to repeat the names of the new friends we have made. Whenever we have to attend another event, I can say things like, “We are going to the party, and your friend __ is going to be there.” This helps her connect the name with someone she already knows and helps her feel comfortable about going to the event.
Raising a shy or introverted girl can be challenging, especially if you’re much more outgoing. The most important thing to remember is that people interact differently and that encouraging, rather than forcing, always produces better results!
