My life before children was very different. I was very lonely when my husband and I moved to Fairfield County with no friends or family nearby. I ended up creating a women’s group on Meetup.com for women to get together and do fun things. I met all kinds of women, and we had some truly wonderful experiences – eating at quirky restaurants, taking tours, attending fairs and festivals near and far, enjoying spa days, watching movies, and a host of other adventures. The most important thing is that I made some lifelong friends. The problem is that I’ve neglected them.
The majority of the women in this group were either not looking to have children or had already had their children grow up and leave home. I’m not really sure if any of them knew that I intended to have a child. When I became pregnant, I can only speculate that some were, although happy for me, a little confused.
I kept the group together as long as I could, but once I was put on bed rest and couldn’t do anything, the group started to fall apart. It’s been two years since we last did anything together. I’ve kept in touch with a handful of these great ladies through Facebook, and have even spent time with a few here and there, but it’s just not the same.
This is not to say I’m tired of my mom friends. Not at all. I’ve had the opportunity to meet some amazing women whom I may never have encountered if it weren’t for my daughter, and I hope they will remain in my life for as long as possible. While my mom friends and I certainly discuss more things than just our kids, it’s still different from talking with my non-mom friends. Not easier or better. Just different.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the ladies I no longer see regularly. I miss my non-mom friends and our outings. I miss doing exciting things for myself instead of my daughter, and I make no qualms about doing things for myself all the time, but they are still homebody things.
No river tubing for me. No weeknight dinners at “the new” restaurant in town. No listening to stories where children won’t enter the conversation unless I’m asked about my own. Sure, I love to talk about her, but she isn’t all that I’m made up of.
I guess that’s why I miss these ladies. I miss being just Allison to them. I’m sure my mom friends are reading this, saying, “We know you as Allison, too,” but we all have that tie of knowing each other through our kids. Our kids are what drew us together as friends.
Our friendships are very strong, but we most likely wouldn’t have crossed each other’s paths without the kids. It isn’t out of the realm of possibility that we walked past each other at the supermarket and never skipped a beat.
I wonder when the time will come when I can feel like the person I was before becoming a mom. Probably never. Maybe when the kid is out of the house? Good lord. That’s a long time to wait — but it’s a goal.
Until then, I will love being Mom, A’s mom, Mrs. Randall, and so on, and will never regret having to be those things. Now I need to call my non-mom friends and see if they’re free for lunch this weekend, since I’ll have free childcare, and it’s not too late for my daughter to be upset that I’m not home to tuck her in.
