There’s a trend I’m seeing a lot on social media about how, yes, motherhood is really hard, but actually all you need to do is consistently make time for yourself – a little self-care.
Oh, right. It’s that easy. Great. Problem solved. I just need to start getting up at 4 a.m.
Except, it’s not.
We’ve all heard the phrase, “We all have the same 24 hours in a day.” And before becoming a parent, I admit I thought this too, but now I disagree with it and see that I was completely wrong.
Before kids, I lived a pretty selfish “for me” life. We made choices that were best for my husband and me, and we pushed for goals, always striving to better ourselves and reach the next level. Whether it was goals for our education, the gym, our career, travel, or our relationship, etc. I had 24 hours in a day, and total freedom about how I used those hours, and I like to think I used them pretty well.
I’d sleep well and be able to go to bed early-ish. I loved to study and read, and my husband and I were big foodies and ate out a lot. We’d travel together for work and meet each other sometimes at the places in the world where the other was traveling.
I was going along in life, thinking we all had the same 24 hours in a day, and this lifestyle I was unknowingly living back then is not reality for many people, and wouldn’t be reality for me soon enough.
Social media is perpetuating the false idea that you have the same 24 hours as everyone else, and you’re just not putting in the effort to utilize those hours.
Most of these social media posts are making the same bold assumption that you have eight hours a day at work, eight hours to sleep, and eight hours to fit in the ‘life admin.’ The easy solution is to drop 30 minutes of that life admin or wake up 30 minutes earlier, and fit in that 30-minute workout. Then drop another 30 minutes somewhere, to make sure you’re meal prepping that $50 protein breakfast and juice that an influencer told you ‘changed her life.’
What we’re not seeing on social media is how no one is doing it all. More and more, the portrayal and idea of this “dream Barbie mom” is pushed on us. “I wake up at 4 a.m. so I can exercise before the kids wake up. I drink my shake and journal for an hour with my morning coffee. Cue – here’s the link to the $2000 coffee machine and journal I use. Then I get dressed for the day while the kids wake up and play. Here’s the link to my $300 moisturizer I use. They go to school, and I start my work day as a successful CEO.”
Okay, but if I tried to wake up at 4 a.m. every day, I wouldn’t make it through the 12-hour shift with the kids that day after being woken up 2-3 times a night because of my toddlers. Also, my kids would hear me getting up and dressed, and immediately start making demands about what they needed that morning, assuming it was time to get up too.
I’m now in a stage in my life where some days feel like my 24 hours don’t belong to me at all. It’s a huge shift.
When the kids are little, your time isn’t your own, and you’re always on the clock. Even if you’re not on the clock and technically have a few hours to work or go on a date, you’re still looking at the clock, making sure you’re on time for pickup, so you can get back on the clock.
That social media mom running that 15-hour-a-day business and talking about her healthy eating plans for the day? Great! Good for her! But that person is not making those meals from scratch, finding that time to work out, and doing the drop-off and pickup from school. It’s essential to remember that we’re not seeing the entire team of people she has – sometimes 24/7 – including the housekeepers, the nanny, and her family network.
Don’t be fooled, she is not doing it all.
It’s an important reminder for all, though, whether they are parents or not. Some are grieving, and the weight of loss is paralyzing. Some are building a business and are already using 15 hours of energy a day towards that. Some are dealing with financial loss and still figuring out their next steps forward.
Some are exhausted from waking up five times a night to feed the baby, and by the time 7 a.m. arrives, their body and mind are exhausted. Perhaps the idea of taking 30 minutes to exercise for self-care will push them over the edge. Some are taking that time for self-care, listening to a 30-minute podcast every day, but their only room to do so is during the commute from work on their way to care for their elderly parents in the evening.
Sometimes I think about how many hours a day I spend feeding tiny people, getting them organized, and then the bedtime hours. But then I remember they are not hours lost. It’s been important for me to have done those things, and it was a choice and priority I made.
It doesn’t mean that it works or is right for others. It doesn’t mean I’ll do it forever. But when others see that my day has been like that, I hope they realize I’ve also completed a 12-hour workday and just make it all work. Something has to give.
