I think of myself as a connector when I let people in to get to know the real me. The connection between minds and the understanding of one another’s souls excites me.
I think people like me because I make them feel at ease or like they belong—at least, this is what I’ve been told. The irony is that I often have such social anxiety in new settings that I find it almost unbelievable that I’m able to make people feel at ease or connected to me when I have so many things going on in my mind.
Did I send that work request? Did I make the kids’ dentist appointments? Did they understand that the wild thing I just said was meant to be a joke?
I’m glad to receive this feedback and to be able to make people feel this way. I think of it as a superpower that comes naturally due to a combination of my atypical upbringing, which included living in dorms since I was 12, and the work I do for a living.
Another superpower I have never considered is my ability to hide my discomfort so well. This is a blessing and a curse in my life.
So when I find those souls that I connect to and those little pebbles from the universe that prove I crossed paths with someone for a reason or that they love me regardless of my flaws, I cannot help but be my true, authentic self. This includes everything from my weird little jokes to how I send memes on social media to all my inappropriate humor.
I’ve often heard throughout my life that I shouldn’t make myself so available. But honestly, I’ve always felt more comfortable being myself and letting those who don’t deserve all of this weirdness see themselves out.
But with age comes wisdom, and I’ve recently realized that I shouldn’t be so available to everyone.
Whether it’s posting online or making myself accessible to people who are meant to be a lesson rather than lasting, I’ve been hurt. Let them wonder. Let them see themselves out. Stop making yourself so available.