There are no breaks. No downtimes. No days off. Children with ADHD need structure and consistency. They require infinite patience and grace while holding them accountable for what’s within their control. It is watching your heart beat outside your body because you know how tender their heart is, yet they struggle to show others that consistently. They project as being confident when insecure and afraid of making mistakes.
They need seven compliments for each criticism they receive to break even due to their tendency to have “rejection sensitive dysphoria” or difficulty receiving feedback they perceive as critical.
When they get home from school, they are DONE. In most cases, they’ve done everything possible to hold themselves together during the school day. They follow directions, pay attention to the instruction despite the bird chirping outside the window or a peer tapping their foot on the floor, pause before reacting to a comment, decipher non-verbal cues in social situations, pretend they’re like everyone else around them in class, the cafeteria, the playground, trying to keep up with what everyone around them is doing so they don’t look “stupid,” not having big emotional reactions to what they perceive as rejection from peers, remembering to turn in their assignments to the right teacher, etc.
If children take medication to mitigate their ADHD symptoms during the school day, it has typically worn off by the time they get home, so they no longer have the support to balance their brain and access their executive functions chemically.
In this case, they are also likely to be ravenous (HANGRY) because the medication often suppresses their appetite. They need to move! They have been sitting for the past 6.5 hours, and their bodies are desperate to fidget, jump, run, bend, and release some energy.
Following a routine after school can be difficult, but it’s essential to function when your brain doesn’t naturally think in sequential steps. Part of the after-school routine is likely completing homework.
For ADHD brains, it can be challenging to complete schoolwork outside of the school building because their brain compartmentalizes non-preferred tasks, such as schoolwork with physical space – school – and preferred tasks, e.g., watching TV, playing sports, playing video games, painting, with home. This can lead to the “homework struggle” or “battle,” depending on the day. If you, as the parent, have worked a full day or expended patience and energy for the previous part of your day, the homework struggle can feel torturous.
As a school administrator, after spending 99.9% of my patience and energy with students, colleagues, and parents all day at work, I need to dig deep to find more patience and coping strategies to regulate my emotions and support my children’s emotional regulation at home.
If I can’t stay regulated, I can’t expect them to try, and escalation happens in milliseconds. It is tough to keep calm when multiple children speak or yell simultaneously about different things, and everyone demands your attention.
It is almost impossible to remain calm when your child screams, throws a tantrum, curses at you, calls you or their sibling’s names, makes self-deprecating comments, or flat-out refuses to comply when you’ve asked them to hang their coat on the hook in the mudroom.
The children need love, grace, patience, and almost constant reassurance that they’re loved, it’s okay to make mistakes, and home is their safe space.
The parent in you wants to give hugs and implement helpful strategies during these challenging moments. Yet, the human in you desperately wants a break, a moment of quiet and peace.
I share all this to say, give yourself and your child grace. It’s okay if the homework doesn’t get done. It’s okay if the coat is on the floor in the mudroom. It’s okay if clothes aren’t put away from the laundry. It’s okay if your child had a meltdown from exhaustion and frustration as they got off the bus. You love your child unconditionally, and they love you, regardless of what their words might say. You are their home, and they are your baby.
