At dinner tonight, out of the blue, my eight-year-old asked me, “What would happen if there was a woman and a man, and they loved each other, but the man was already married?”
I asked her what prompted her to ask that, and she said she didn’t know. She also moved on very quickly to something else, so I never had to answer. At least not tonight.
Rewind to about five months ago. My ex-husband texted me on Christmas Eve and told me he had a girlfriend, and he had just told the kids.
On Christmas Eve.
I asked what prompted him to tell the kids on a holiday, and he told me that they had seen presents that she had brought over (which I pointed out was inappropriate, considering they didn’t know she existed), which he had left out, and that he was tired of lying to them. I reminded him that it was part of our agreement that he was supposed to tell me about a girlfriend before telling our kids, and he promptly scoffed, saying, “It just happened that way.” Typical, thinking of no one but himself.
When I asked the kids about it the next day, the same daughter who had asked the question at the beginning of this post told me, “Dad said they knew each other from before.”
Fast forward to January, and he wants me to meet her so that he can introduce her to the kids.
My boyfriend came with me to meet her. At the meeting, I told them that one of the kids told me that they knew each other from “before,” and I wanted to know more about that. They then recounted the entire story of how they met (in college), were in the same major, and remained close friends. I have no idea if they dated in college. I didn’t want to ask.
Then, they went on and on about how they worked together at the same company, went out to happy hours together, traveled together, etc.
Maybe this wouldn’t have been an issue, but the kicker was that they were doing all of this while we were dating and, subsequently, married. And I had no idea.
I think they actually forgot who they were talking to during that entire exchange. I’m not some random friend who they were telling their love story to. I’m his ex-wife listening to a recount of an inappropriate relationship between her ex-husband and his college “friend” that has gone on for 20+ years without ever once hearing of this person.
For our entire marriage, I always had this gut feeling that something was “off.” He would constantly compare me to his friends’ wives when I complained about his traveling or going out after work, while I changed my entire life and work schedule to ensure I could get home to take care of our children.
He would say things like, “So-and-so doesn’t care when her husband travels,” or “Why can’t you just be fine with me going out to happy hours? I work hard, and I deserve to relax.” Never mind what I was doing for the family; that’s beside the point. I would always say the same thing, “You know who you married.” And he had nothing to say.
As our marriage continued and deteriorated, the comments became more frequent. I knew something didn’t feel right.
He was constantly on his phone. He tried hiding it from me, and I never even attempted to try to see it. Happy hours became more frequent, as did late nights. Travel was largely suspended due to some lingering Covid restrictions, but he still traveled whenever he got the chance.
At first, I thought he was hiding money. And then I realized what was actually going on.
And on Christmas Day that year, just over two years ago, I point-blank asked him if he was cheating on me. His verbal response was “No!” but his body language, tone, eye contact aversion, and overall demeanor told a completely different story.
After leaving that initial meeting with the girlfriend five months ago, I turned to my boyfriend and asked him, “Did we just hear the same thing? Was he cheating on me?” His response was simple and confirmed: “It sure seems like it.”
My mind was spiraling. Everything started to make sense. For my entire marriage, I was competing against someone I didn’t know existed. I was constantly being compared to someone he had on a pedestal, someone I could never be and would never be.
I was just the placeholder. Someone to pass the time with until the woman he actually wanted was free. He played me, and I fell for it…until I didn’t anymore.
He continues to deny anything happened with this person while we were married, emotionally or otherwise. He also refuses to let me talk to her.
So, my daughter asked, “What would happen if there was a woman and a man and they loved each other, but the man was already married?” Well, the marriage ends, a new relationship begins, and the woman who was cheated on finally gets to live life on her own terms.
