My daughter was a biter. The phase lasted from shortly after her first birthday until she turned two. And just when I thought, after a few months free of biting, that we were in the clear, there was the unfortunate incident at a children’s museum.
Lesson #1 in parenting: When you think you have it figured out, your children will do the unexpected just to keep you on your toes!
So, imagine my relief that my little guy skipped this phase altogether, and I chalked it up to him being way more verbal than my daughter was prior to turning two. Yes, my son was and hopefully never will be a biter; however, just to throw Mama for a loop – he has found that hitting is both satisfying and funny at age 2 1/2.
Thankfully, these little swats are only directed at family. (Big sis liked to go after the children that wronged her – which made for some awkward moments on the playground). However, dealing with aggressive behavior in toddlers is still a challenge.
Now that I am going through this a second time, like with everything else, I am more knowledgeable. The best advice given by other moms and articles on this topic is to not reward negative behavior with attention.
If your child has been aggressive with a sibling or friend – immediately put all the attention on the “hurt” person. Then, after they are taken care of, address the behavior and correct it.
For many toddlers, if they do not get any attention for their actions, they quickly learn that it isn’t that satisfying of a behavior to keep doing.
This is all well and good if the behavior happens in front of you. Many times, it may be reported to you later by a caregiver or grandparent, and there is not much you can do since the incident is now in the past.
Another important teaching point that I learned is that it is beneficial to acknowledge the feeling and provide another suitable outlet for the feeling.
For example, my daughter would only bite when someone did something to her first. It was her way of saying, “You made me angry, and I don’t like that!” I sewed her a little biting pillow and would tell her, “It’s okay to be angry, but it is not okay to bite people. If you need to bite, use the pillow instead.”
The biting pillow didn’t always work, but acknowledging that anger is a natural feeling and that the act of biting is what we didn’t like helped her grow out of it. I continue to do this with my children at different ages and stages.
Modeling healthy ways to deal with their emotions will serve them well as they as they get older. Although, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that there are many moments when I lose my cool and demonstrate some not so great ways to show emotion. Mommies make mistakes, too!
And, of course, being the avid reader that I am, I looked to literature. No Biting by Karen Katz is a favorite in our house. With my son, I often reference it, “What do we hit?” and he will respond, “A drum!” There aren’t a ton of books on this topic, but this one is simple enough that you can use it to remind your toddler of what we kick, hit, bite, etc., and the answer is never people!!
Like everything in the early years – it is just a phase. The best we can do is discourage the negative behaviors, support our child’s feelings, and model loving ways. They eventually grow out of it and move on to the next thing.
