I am a recovering people-pleaser. I prided myself on being the sweet girl next door but felt awful and guilty for upsetting others. If I made people mad or sad or whatever, they would think of me as mean, and I couldn’t have that. It has taken me a while to realize that people-pleasing is not the same as kindness.
“You have to get ahold of your stress,” my doctor demanded of me last year. Taking care of my mental health was always a priority for me. I even regularly saw a therapist and did what I could to protect my peace. My bloodwork showed I needed to do better. I needed to put myself first for real. It turns out I wasn’t actually doing that. I was still mostly people-pleasing, to my own detriment.
I had an A+ in people-pleasing. I said yes when I needed to say no, went when I wanted to stay home, volunteered even though I was burnt out, and hung out with people who didn’t share my values and morals simply because I thought I had to.
I adjusted my schedule to accommodate anything that came along. I let others convince me that things were important even though they weren’t important to me. I lived a remarkably unselfish life.
Last autumn, I hit a wall and had a hissy fit. I was done. Who’s life was I living? Who was I trying to please all the time, and why wasn’t it me? The facade fell. I needed to be kind to myself. Realizing that people-pleasing does not equal kindness was a milestone I needed to achieve.
Two months after the hissy fit, I sat in my doctor’s office as she asked me how on earth I could improve my bloodwork the way I did. I told her the only change I made was actually to put myself first. At every crossroad, I learned to pause, take a moment, and think about what the road must look like if I put myself first. I realized I was on autopilot; my husband, children, and extended family were the ones who came first. I turned off the autopilot and took the reins of my own life.
It looked different than expected. Getting comfortable with getting louder (and angrier) and standing my ground has elevated my confidence. I’m not tolerating 75% of what I did before. I have a lot more free time now, and it’s glorious! Like WOW. Having time to be gentler with myself has been key to improving my health. There have been arguments, more than I’d like, but I’m steadfast in my pursuit of me.
Honestly, there are still people out there who do not like this new me. I’m fine with that. If they were benefitting from my people-pleasing and now are not, that’s not on me. I didn’t expect to be able to let go of the guilt so easily, but it turns out I have no guilt whatsoever.
And I’m still kind. If anything, I feel kinder—not just with myself but with the parts of the world and population I choose to share it with. Pursuing my passions with more heart and drive is a purpose I’m not letting go of. My children and husband are still at the top of my list, but now that I have more time, I can give them more of me, even if it looks different.
