I asked fellow working moms what their priority is in the New Year, and the resounding answer was around setting boundaries and saying “no” to opportunities in the spirit of self-care. Why do women have a hard time saying “no”?
Perhaps we’ve been socialized to believe that we are givers first and foremost; therefore, helping is our primary role. This resonates with me, especially as an educator whose profession is consistently asked to give more out of the goodness of our hearts for our students and communities.
If this sounds familiar, perhaps utilizing a Dialectical Behavior Therapy strategy would be helpful.
The assertive communication strategy is called “FAST” and it stands for:
- Fair: Be fair to yourself and others in your requests and responses.
- Apologies (no apologies): Avoid unnecessary apologies; only apologize when appropriate.
- Stick to values: Clearly express and stand by your values in communication.
- Truthful: Be honest and truthful in your communication.
You could use a direct approach such as, “I appreciate the opportunity, but I have to prioritize my family commitments right now.”
Another option is to convey gratitude while maintaining boundaries, “I’m grateful for the offer, but I need to focus on my current responsibilities at home and work.”
If you are trying to juggle multiple family commitments, such as three children with active schedules, consider, “Unfortunately, my family schedule is quite full right now, and I won’t be able to commit to additional responsibilities.”
You may have a contact who would be a great fit for the opportunity and have more flexibility to add this to their plate. In that case, “I won’t be able to take this on, but I can recommend someone who might be a great fit for the opportunity.” If you want to maintain open lines of communication regarding future opportunities that may be a better fit, “I appreciate the offer. If the opportunity arises again in the future, I’d love to be considered.” If you want to ensure the asker understands your sincere interest, “At this time, I need to decline, but let’s revisit this in [specify a timeframe] to see if my schedule allows for it.”
Often, the request will be made multiple times either because the organization/person/group truly believes you are the best person for the role or because they think you’re saying no out of humility but really would like the opportunity.
Perhaps you feel guilty saying “no” or declining to volunteer for your child’s bake sale/sports team fundraiser, declining the classroom parent role. However, remaining firm is the best way to ensure your message is received clearly. “I have to decline this time. My family commitments are my top priority, and I want to ensure I can give my best in all aspects of my life.”
