Teaching My Daughter That Kindness and Love Should Never Hurt

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A mom comforting her daughter. My daughter recently confided in me about a boy in her class who doesn’t like her and, in fact, is mean to her. She was incredibly upset because she strives to be a people-pleaser and takes pride in being well-liked. It’s a harsh lesson to grasp, but she’s beginning to understand an important truth: not everyone will like you, let alone be your friend.

Let me note, for context, that my daughter is very popular and well-liked in her class and most other places. This boy is the exception, not the rule—but that doesn’t make the sting of his unkindness any less real for her.

When she shared this with me, I resisted the urge to say what so many parents and adults used to say in the 80s and 90s when I was young, “If a boy is mean to you, you know what that means, don’t you? He must like you!” Because that’s simply not okay.

I remember hearing this growing up when boys were mean to me. Even as a child, I questioned the logic. How does being mean equate to liking someone? Now, as an adult, I can confidently tell my younger self and daughter this: It doesn’t, my friend, and it never will.

Telling a girl that a boy’s cruelty means he likes her is a form of gaslighting. It sends a harmful message, normalizing the idea that mistreatment and affection are somehow connected. This mindset sets the stage for accepting abusive behavior in future relationships—whether friendships, workplace dynamics, or even romantic partnerships.

It perpetuates the idea that love and kindness can coexist with cruelty, and that’s a narrative we must actively dismantle.

Instead of perpetuating these outdated and damaging ideas, we should teach our children the value of kindness. That’s what I told my daughter. I encouraged her to be nice to this boy, not because he deserves her kindness but because her kindness reflects her values, not his actions. I also reminded her of another truth: not everyone will like you in life, and that’s okay.

One of the most important lessons we can teach our children is the ability to navigate relationships with grace, understanding, and self-respect. It starts with rejecting harmful narratives and replacing them with healthier, more empowering ones. Being kind is always the right choice, but expecting mutual kindness is also part of valuing oneself.

As my daughter learns to balance these truths, I hope she grows into someone who understands that respect and love are desirable and non-negotiable in any relationship. Love should never hurt. 

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erindaly
Erin Daly lives in Trumbull with her husband, Konrad, their three children (born in 2015, 2016, and 2019), and a new puppy. While raising her children, Erin balanced a full-time job with attending law school at night, after earning her Ph.D. in organic chemistry. Now, both Erin and Konrad are intellectual property attorneys who enjoy spirited debates on law and science. In addition to managing their careers, Erin stays involved in her community, keeps up with her kids' busy schedules, and nurtures her love for reading in her free time.

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