A few weeks ago, my husband and I volunteered at our kids’ field day. As we were leaving, I noticed a kindergartener from my son’s class off to the side, crying. His father had just left, and he was heartbroken. I didn’t know the child, but I walked over to try to comfort him. Before I could say much, I heard his teacher and another staff member telling him, “If you keep getting upset every time your dad comes and goes, he won’t be able to come anymore.”
That only made him cry harder.
Of course it did.
I understood exactly how he felt. When I was a child, I used to cry whenever my mom left—whether it was at drop-off in the morning or even just when she stepped out to run an errand.
The pain of separation didn’t always make sense to others, but it was very real to me. And it didn’t magically go away with age.
When I moved away for graduate school, I still teared up every time I had to leave home after a visit. Even as an adult with a full-time job and my own apartment in Boston, I’d find myself crying in the car after weekends with my family.
Some people never fully outgrow the ache of saying goodbye.
My own kids, oddly enough, are the opposite. My middle son didn’t even pause on his first day of kindergarten—no hug, no kiss, not even a backward glance. Luv you too, bruh! My youngest hops out of the car every morning like he’s running into an amusement park. And my eldest only cried once—on the first day of preschool—mostly because I did.
I don’t know why some kids are wired to detach easily and others cling tighter. But I do know this: the ones who struggle with separation don’t need to be fixed or scolded. They need understanding. They need gentleness. They need to know that their big feelings aren’t wrong or burdensome.
Telling a child that their tears might drive their parent away doesn’t teach resilience—it teaches shame. And it tells them that love, when expressed too loudly, might be punished.
We can—and should—do better.
So to the little boy sobbing at field day: I saw you. And I get it. And I promise, there’s nothing wrong with holding on a little longer. Some hearts take more time to let go.
