I would have laughed if you had asked me 18 months ago if my life would look like what it does today. Life always throws its curveballs and changes, but wow, the amount my life has changed in the last 18 months, most notably the previous seven months, has been immense.
Like most women, I always dreamt of the perfect life, marriage, and family—a white picket fence fairytale. I remember daydreaming as a young adult about what this would look like. I couldn’t wait to meet “the man of my dreams,” or so I pictured him at that time.
I married in 2014. I had all of the hope, promise, and giddiness that my perfect family was able to commence. It didn’t exactly work out like that.
What I have come to learn is that we change! Most importantly, I understand that change is normal. I am not the person I was ten years ago. I acknowledge that while I am not innocent in the demise of my marriage, change is inevitable.
As my ten-year (what would have been) wedding anniversary approaches, I am finally content with where I am. My hopes, dreams, and beliefs have evolved and changed, and unfortunately, those beliefs were no longer in line with my partner’s. It took me a long time to become comfortable with what I felt was a failure.
I have experienced a lot of guilt since I first filed for divorce. Most of that guilt doesn’t surround my situation, but more so guilt for my children. After a year of living together separated, I moved out in January of 2024. As a child of divorce myself, I didn’t want my children to feel any less loved or that they had anything to do with the end of their parent’s relationship. I didn’t want them to feel different from any of their peers. I wanted to keep the normalcy in their life. At the time, I thought it was easing into a separation of homes.
Looking back, I wish I would have considered my happiness. Truthfully, my happiness has a direct relation to my children’s happiness.
The tumultuous year I went through directly affected my children. I won’t get that time back. I now know my happiness does matter! If I were to give any advice to a woman contemplating divorce, don’t spend another moment unhappy. Of course, try counseling, conversation, etc., but don’t put a divorce or separation off simply because you are worried about the what-ifs. The what-ifs will work themselves out in their own time and their own way.
These days, while life looks much different than it did 18 months ago, life is also much more beautiful. My smile and laughter have returned. My children see me laugh. My friends and family see the light in my eyes and happy emotions again.
