Hi, my name is Lindsay, and I am an alcoholic.
This statement still gives me a flood of emotions. I am assuming that this introduction will eventually readily roll off my tongue, just like reciting my birthdate at the doctor’s office. But I am not there yet.
I have been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. Admittedly, probably my entire adult life. I hope that telling my story will help just one person, hopefully many, who have had a lifelong struggle with alcohol or any substance and don’t know where to turn.
My story is difficult to tell, as I am still living it. It is messy and full of ups and downs, and I am still navigating the process. Telling my story is part of my healing process, so I will lay out all the truths, as ugly as they may be.
Being an addict or alcoholic does not mean that you had a negative childhood or were raised in a broken home. I know this because I was raised in a loving, nurturing, and stable household. Although it was two households (my parents divorced when I was three), all of my childhood memories are positive, and both of my parents worked very hard to ensure they co-parented in the best way they could.
However, I believe that ‘nature,’ or our genetics, do play a part in the potential for addiction. I come from a long line of people with an addiction, mainly alcoholics, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I felt that played a part in my alcoholism. I remember as a teenager (and even in my adult life), my mom drilling into me, “You need to be careful, you have addiction on both sides of your family.” That never stuck with me until now. It’s one of the top three things my mom tried to instill in me that I wish I would have listened to.
I will glaze over my teenage years and 20s as most of that time does not impact my overall story. I was a rebellious teenager who started dabbling in alcohol as a junior in high school. My 20s were a blur of eight years of college (not by design; only one degree was obtained), working at a restaurant that fostered my drinking habit, and a volatile on-and-off relationship.
Enter my 30s. This is when my problem started escalating. I think this is partially due to having a partner that I drank with regularly and an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I don’t recall most of my wedding (including the vows), so maybe this foreshadowed the marriage’s demise.
I drank at every opportunity at my wedding while getting ready, before and after the reception, through every moment of it. I thought that was what you did at your wedding. I felt it was acceptable as long as you kept your composure, which I did.
Then, having children, while an incredibly beautiful time, made my budding addiction much worse postpartum. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I suffered, as many women do, with postpartum depression and anxiety. I felt it was normal for a new mother to have a glass of wine (or, in my case, a bottle) to de-stress and relax. I know now that the alcohol enhanced my anxiety.
I had my first daughter in 2016, followed by boy/girl twins in 2020. Becoming a mother didn’t feel like it came naturally. I constantly felt inadequate and was unable to breastfeed with any of my children due to a previous surgery, and while I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of that, it did cause me a tremendous amount of guilt that was difficult to deal with.
Between my two pregnancies, we moved to CT from Chicago (where I was born and raised). I struggled with the move and missed my family, friends, and everything I knew. While I do know that no one dragged me here kicking and screaming, the resentment toward my husband for ultimately making the decision was a weight that I have not been able to let go of.
We never saw eye-to-eye between job changes, financial struggles, and three children under five. Up until this point, we would typically drink together, but I clearly remember that I started drinking alone on a nightly basis. There were too many nights to count where the fighting got out of control. I regret these days as they destroyed the memories I have of my children being infants and their first milestones.
Following the death of my grandfather, I was blind-sided with being served divorce papers at my place of employment. This was the biggest betrayal I have felt in my entire life. While I knew deep down that the marriage was over, this one stung.
I dealt with it by binge drinking. I wanted to forget about the unraveling of my life (and my kids’ lives).
After the paperwork was incorrectly filed, I ended up filing for divorce. The bond was broken, and after countless attempts, it was time. I distinctly remember drinking a magnum of wine the night I filed. And it continued from there.
Most of the following year was a blur because I drank most of it away. I look back now and have huge regrets about it. While I was trying to keep myself together, I was unraveling as I continued to fill my nights after work with liquor store runs and solo drinking.
Then it all caught up to me and looking back now; I am incredibly grateful that it did. I could not continue on the path I was going. While my kids’ general needs were met, I was not present the way a mother should be. I am forever ashamed, embarrassed, and heartbroken for this period.
I had no choice but to pour myself into recovery in AA, and I got a sponsor. I wasn’t working at this point, as I had lost my job, so I had the time to focus on my sobriety. I took medication to curb any cravings for alcohol, and after a while, I started to feel stronger and more comfortable with the fact that I could never drink again.
My sponsor started guiding me through the steps. I attended AA meetings almost every day and surrounded myself with people who were cheerleaders for my sobriety. However, while I was getting sober, I also had to move into a temporary house, and my mom came to live with me for some time to support me and help with the kids.
Over six months, I moved three times and finally found a permanent residence. I had to do all of these things independently as my family was not local. I was trying to mask the fact that I was hurting emotionally.
I wasn’t using alcohol to cope anymore. However, I still had not found a healthy way to manage and deal with the immense amount of change and stress I was under. With a contentious divorce, only seeing my kids half the time, and a complete upside turn of my life, I was doing what I always did: pretending I was ok.
I was still feeling very strong until a few weeks ago. I was highly involved in AA meetings and was almost eight months sober. And then my birthday hit. I was with my kids on my birthday and the following few days, but I relapsed after they returned for their father’s parenting time.
I relapsed alone and in secret. I can’t articulate what happened; I just know it happened. Knowing what I learned through AA, I knew that I needed to get help. I needed to call my sponsor, navigate the following steps, and be honest with what happened.
After a two-day relapse, I decided that it was time for me to enter a full live-in inpatient treatment center. The decision to go to rehab was easy for me. Core issues from my alcoholism and what drove me to drink were still not resolved, and I needed intense help to get to that point.
I entered into a treatment program and have a new sobriety date. I will spend 35 days in treatment and have had to miss some significant milestones in my kids’ lives to do so.
This time, seeking treatment for my alcoholism is imperative not only for myself but for my children. They deserve a fully healed mom who knows how to cope with things in a healthy way. I thank God for this opportunity, as I know most are not afforded the ability to go away to a treatment center and heal.
I miss my kids daily, but my focus on my program is strong. After almost two and a half weeks, I am getting help to navigate my emotions, previous trauma, and why I used drinking to cope with it. I still have another four weeks to go, and I know I will come out of here a changed person, and my commitment to my sobriety will be stronger than ever.
